Journal Entries, Spring 2021
Life Cycle – Marriage
Kiddushin is one of the Hebrew words that means marriage. It comes from the same root word as Kadosh which means sacred or holy. What are your thoughts on the sacredness of marriage? What makes a marriage holy?
1- I believe that marriage is a promise. A pledge to hold and care for and support and love another person. I Know that Torah and Rabbinic teachings state that monogamy is part of the holiness. One man and one woman, set apart from the whole world, exclusively for their spouse.
I think this can be holy, but I don’t feel like it has to be true. Or maybe I just don’t feel like monogamy is for me and I worry what that will mean for my interaction w/ Judaism.
Can you be holy, kiddush, kadosh, set apart… and love other people? Can you depend on more than one relationship? Can you find holiness with more than one person? My thoughts about this really cannot be separated from my polyamorous heart. But let’s try the though experiment. What would it mean for a marriage to be holy, but also non-monogamous? Could one keep certain things confined to a relationship but others open? Love outside the marriage, but no sex? I would offer the opposite, but I’m bad at sex with no feelings.
I don’t know. Maybe the exclusive part isn’t the only thing that matters. I think intention matters. Creating something vital with your spouse. Creating a home together, no matter where you are. Holding each other accountable, showing and sharing love whenever possible. I think it’s about dedication to honoring your person and showing up as your best self. Helping each other commit and live up to your values. Helping each other grow.
I think all of this can be found outside of marriage, and I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of making this promise before God as though that might make it more binding or more important.
In Jewish tradition, there have been divorces for as long as there have been weddings. A traditional Jewish divorce involved a short ceremony and signing a Get. What are your thoughts on this kind of ceremony marking a divorce?
2- I’m honestly really happy that there is an established method of divorce in Judaism. In the Christianity I grew up with, all we really learned about divorce was “don’t”, except for cases of adultery, then do. Having an established precedent that doesn’t have to be about that is nice.
I think the gender politics are really interesting, both in the initial setup and how the Reform movement has adjusted their own standards along the way.
I like that women can’t be divorced without consent, but I’m not really thrilled that they can’t independently ask for divorce either. I know some of the Reform movement has tried to make things more even, but there’s always going to be some unfairness. I like what was talked about in Jewish Living, the idea that there’s a religious ceremony for the end because there was one for the beginning. Finding closure like that sounds nice.